She said her name was "party"
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She even gives head with a lisp.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
he had hair everywhere except his balls
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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