I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
