my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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