the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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