I can tuck mytits in my pants
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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