the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
