I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
