I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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