Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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