I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
