o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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