I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I enjoy the company of your penis
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