I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Randomize
