I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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