so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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