I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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