i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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