these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize