I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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