i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
