Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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