The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
