i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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