So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
