i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
