I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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