I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
