U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
