can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
