Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
