im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
