FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
