when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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