Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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