I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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