I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I would fuck him just for his dog
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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