dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
