someone get that fucking seahorse.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
