You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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