I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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