Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
