That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
