You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I wish there were birth control emojis
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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