you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
