I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
