Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
