you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
