I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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