it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
