I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
