Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
