I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
