I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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