just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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