i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
