ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
