You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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