I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
