In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Success! We fucked roommates!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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