I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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