if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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