It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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