thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
