Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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